Tuesday, April 27, 2010

50th post!

Wow! 50! I didn't think I had that much to say.

Well, forgive me but today I am bugged. I'm just lacking something. Patience mostly. I just have this icky naggy feeling irritated feeling in my chest. You know the one that you feel like you have a huge weight on your chest and your heart rate increases. I am just really bugged.

I know I should be nicer, and more patient, and have a better attitude about things.

But it really bugs me when people go back on what they say. I try to do what I can to live up to my commitments. I try to be dependable. I hate it when you can't count on people. So I ask that you please please don't make promises that you can't or won't keep.

I do not understand why people feel like they have to have power over other people. Why do people have to show off what they have. Why does it make people feel better to put others down?

UGH! I am so bugged!!!!

I have noticed that I tend to get tired of places easily. We were in our old apartment for 2 years. And have been in this apartment for only a year and I am so done. I don't want to be here any more. I just feel so unsettled. This isn't home to me. Its not a bad place. We have a good amount of space for a good price, but I just want out!

I have been thinking about why that is...

I just want to be done with this whole part of life. I want to be out of school I want to be somewhere else! I have never lived in one state this long in my life. Can we say CABIN FEVER!!!


Wednesday, April 21, 2010


So today I was driving to work in the rain. Rain so hard and heavy that I thought it might break my windshield. And I started thinking about the weather. I really like rain! I mean I don't particularly like getting wet, but I love the sound of it against my window. I love the cloudy sky, I love how green and clean everything looks after the rain. Rain has to be my favorite type of weather.

But then I was thinking about other things in my life the I love. Things that bring me sunshine. (I find "sunshine" a more appropriate word for happiness than rain... just one of those things I guess) Some really sweet simple things that just make me smile. So I thought I would make a list so maybe on my not so happy days I can look back on it. (no particular order)

1. a good movie that I can watch over and over again that I don't get tired of

2. songs that you just can't help but rock out to

3. singing at the top of my lungs in my car where no one can here me

4. sleeping in

5. waking up in the wee hours of the morning to leave on a trip

6. spiritual songs that give me goosebumps

7. the sound of my dad's deep, guttural, genuine laugh when he is watching a silly movie, or gets embarrassed, or embarrasses my stepmom :)

8. when Corey laughs at something funny, and I don't find it as funny, but I end up laughing because he found it so funny

9. singing or playing the piano with my sisters

10. quoting movies with my family (usually they are the only ones that know what I'm talking about)

11. when Megan and I check with each other to see if we did something funny

12. when Sadie gets excited when I walk in the room

13. the look on Sadie's face when she tastes something new that she isn't too sure about

14. memories that make you laugh just thinking about

15. Melissa's "Stuart Impression" (she knows what I'm talking about)

16. Temple initiatories

17. The running man

18. my sister's and I performing Snow White

19. tickling Corey even though he hates it

20. a billing cycle at work that doesn't require any fixing (doesn't happen very often)

21. text messages from Corey telling me he loves me

22. friends that I can share memories with

23. conference parties

24. ballroom dance

25. super late nights when you are so tired that everything is funny

26. laughing so hard you almost pee your pants (or sometimes do pee your pants)

27. the sound of a mens choir

28. being super warm inside my covers when its really cold outside

29. spending a whole day at IKEA

30. watching Sadie become more and more independent

31. my motherly protective instincts

32. when the scale says even one pound lighter

33. Novocain and laughing gas

34. giving Sadie a mohawk

35. the way my hair smells after I get it done

36. good hair days

37. battle wounds from a good softball game

38. feeling short when I stand next to Corey

39. the big splash of water in my face when I'm river rafting

anyway... I could go on and on but I don't want to bore anyone.
I hope you have sunshine on cloudy days!

Monday, April 12, 2010

No door mat here so please wipe your feet before entering!

The title of this post may seem a bit strange to some, but not to others. It kind of depends on who has heard me vent recently, so I apologize for anyone who is tired of hearing this.

Today I was thinking about my little girl. How when she was first born, I wasn't very coordinated with giving her a bath, holding her with one arm, feeding her...etc. And now, everything seems so much easier. I have gotten the hang of it. When she was first born, the "bond" wasn't there. I didn't feel like "every other mom" where it was just an instant connection. I had a hard time with it. I looked at her more as something that was preventing me from sleeping, something that cried a lot, more of a burden than a blessing.
Now before I start sounding like the worst mother in the world I do have to put a disclaimer on this and say that I feel quite the opposite now. I love my baby more than anything! I don't mind (even though I do like my sleep) getting up with her at night. If Corey does, I feel like I have missed out on something in her life. I wasn't a part of it. Sometimes the crying and whining does take a toll, but it doesn't bother me as much. And like many people have told me, but like most people, I didn't believe it until it happened to me, I don't notice her "talking" during Sacrament, or Relief Society. So I apologize to anyone that has heard Sadie and has been bothered by it. It truly is different when it is your own.

Anyway that was a long tangent to get to what I was going to say. I was thinking about how my love for Sadie has grown, and along with that my mothering instinct to protect her. I am momma bear and I will protect her from anyone and anything.

So the reason for the title of my post. There have been somethings going on in my life lately that have truly tried my patience. They have left me more worn out than a lot of things. Trials that I truly feel like I don't have the strength to overcome. But you know what... I do! This experience has opened my eyes to things that took 20 years (that makes me feel old! :( ) to finally see. And you know what I decided? I am no longer going to be anyone's door mat!!!! I am a firm believer that we knew the life that we were sent here to live and experience. I also believe that it is up to us to make the best of it. I don't believe that we should just "live with it." WE are responsible to come out on top!
Many people have probably figured this out long before I did, but there is no way to progress if you continue to let people step all over you and allow their toxins in your life. I will no longer surround myself with people that are poisonous. I have my little family that loves me and cares about me! I have family members that I matter to and that matter to me! I have friends that are the best friends anyone could ever ask for! I will no longer have relationships with anyone out of obligation! I will have a relationship with you because I want to! People love, people laugh, people have joy! People are not meant to be bullied, people were meant to have feelings and to inspire others in good ways, and to lift others up! Not tear them down.

I will protect my baby as best I can from poisonous people. She will know that she matters! She will know that she is important to her mommy and daddy and all the people that love her! My job is to protect her and to give her the tools to protect herself. I will do the best I can to do that!

Sorry for the long rant, just needed to get that off my chest.

Thanks for listening!