The title of this post may seem a bit strange to some, but not to others. It kind of depends on who has heard me vent recently, so I apologize for anyone who is tired of hearing this.
Today I was thinking about my little girl. How when she was first born, I wasn't very coordinated with giving her a bath, holding her with one arm, feeding her...etc. And now, everything seems so much easier. I have gotten the hang of it. When she was first born, the "bond" wasn't there. I didn't feel like "every other mom" where it was just an instant connection. I had a hard time with it. I looked at her more as something that was preventing me from sleeping, something that cried a lot, more of a burden than a blessing.
Now before I start sounding like the worst mother in the world I do have to put a disclaimer on this and say that I feel quite the opposite now. I love my baby more than anything! I don't mind (even though I do like my sleep) getting up with her at night. If Corey does, I feel like I have missed out on something in her life. I wasn't a part of it. Sometimes the crying and whining does take a toll, but it doesn't bother me as much. And like many people have told me, but like most people, I didn't believe it until it happened to me, I don't notice her "talking" during Sacrament, or Relief Society. So I apologize to anyone that has heard Sadie and has been bothered by it. It truly is different when it is your own.
Anyway that was a long tangent to get to what I was going to say. I was thinking about how my love for Sadie has grown, and along with that my mothering instinct to protect her. I am momma bear and I will protect her from anyone and anything.
So the reason for the title of my post. There have been somethings going on in my life lately that have truly tried my patience. They have left me more worn out than a lot of things. Trials that I truly feel like I don't have the strength to overcome. But you know what... I do! This experience has opened my eyes to things that took 20 years (that makes me feel old! :( ) to finally see. And you know what I decided? I am no longer going to be anyone's door mat!!!! I am a firm believer that we knew the life that we were sent here to live and experience. I also believe that it is up to us to make the best of it. I don't believe that we should just "live with it." WE are responsible to come out on top!
Many people have probably figured this out long before I did, but there is no way to progress if you continue to let people step all over you and allow their toxins in your life. I will no longer surround myself with people that are poisonous. I have my little family that loves me and cares about me! I have family members that I matter to and that matter to me! I have friends that are the best friends anyone could ever ask for! I will no longer have relationships with anyone out of obligation! I will have a relationship with you because I want to! People love, people laugh, people have joy! People are not meant to be bullied, people were meant to have feelings and to inspire others in good ways, and to lift others up! Not tear them down.
I will protect my baby as best I can from poisonous people. She will know that she matters! She will know that she is important to her mommy and daddy and all the people that love her! My job is to protect her and to give her the tools to protect herself. I will do the best I can to do that!
Sorry for the long rant, just needed to get that off my chest.
Thanks for listening!
New Orleans
6 years ago
Seriously, this world is filled with junk everywhere why would you want to fill your personal world with it too. I just had the mama bear convo with Bryan today about how there are people in our lives or that were and are making contact again that we aren't sure we want them there because of Jason... I so understand. Also you've never put off a doormat aura. I've always admired your confidence.
ReplyDeleteBoo Yah!
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm a dork. ;-)
ReplyDeleteI don't think you had to put your disclaimer up at all, I think there are a ton of moms who don't have the instant conection with their babies. I think the bond eventually comes for everyone, and with it the mama bear feelings (I was just telling Grant the other night how before Hallie I couldn't really understand how rational people can kill other people- now however, I totally understand. There are certain things that if they were to ever happen to my child 100% would make me want to kill someone, or on a smaller scale cut people out of our life.) That's what being a good parent is, there is no one else who will ever love and have Sadie's best intrest at heart more than you, so you have to do what you have to in order to keep her happy and safe:) And, I think you are amazing, I was lucky (there's nothing more to it than luck- it has nothing to do with being a good or a bad mom)to have the instant conection, and was just thinking that people who don't have that must have a lot more patience and generosity than I do because I could not imagine going through the things a new baby puts you through without that conection (I would have probably dropped Hallie on a stanger's doorstep within the first month- the only reason I was willing to put up with her was because of the bond). SOOO pretty much I think the fact that Sadie's alive after your "rough start" shows what an amazing mom you are. Sorry to ramble for so long, miss you guys :)
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